As parents we are naturally acutely aware of our own vulnerability and that of our beloved children. At the same time the journey of being a parent requires us to be fierce protectors of our child's safety. Living with the reality of a dangerous world and our own vulnerability is at times unbearable for us as parents and we must somehow manage to protect ourselves from our worst imaginings.
The heartbreaking tragedy in Newtown Connecticut last Friday has, in a very real sense, permanently changed us as a nation, and ruptured that veil of protection. We cannot help but feel the pain of those parents and imagine, even if only very briefly, the enormity of their loss. This is a kind of secondary trauma for all parents, especially those whose children are especially vulnerable, whether because of their tender young age, or because of mental or physical illness.
The question I have come to is: how can we get through this in a way that strengthens each of us, our communities and our families?
This is the kind of question I will continue to ask myself over the coming months.
For now, I believe it is so very important to allow ourselves as parents to feel our emotions and be very kind to ourselves and each other. If your child is exposed to the information about the tragedy, it is important to listen to what they know and reassure them that you and all the other adults in their life are going to do everything possible to keep them safe. Answer questions honestly, but with as little information as required and appropriate to what you know your child can understand or handle emotionally. Young children with minimal language are still able to understand a lot and they definitely are tuned in to when you are upset. It is important to be careful of how we talk about the event in front of them, even when on the phone.
I strongly recommend that parents, especially those of young children, protect themselves from too much media and information about the tragedy. Reach out to friends and family to talk about your feelings and just be together a bit more often than usual. We need to feel close to other caring humans when experiencing loss, and this is a loss of our sense of safety and understanding of our world. Realize that you may feel more on edge, anger more easily or feel impatient at times with your child. This is part of any grieving experience, but we may not realize consciously that this is happening because the loss is not immediately present in our lives, it happened far away.
Continue to be kind to yourself and it will soften your interactions with others.
Our children are such a vital source of joy and healing for us and for the world.
This is a time we can all be deeply grateful for the presence of the children in our lives.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Discipline with Heart: more ideas
Our discussion topic last week was on discipline and as I expected it was very rich and we could have used a lot more time to explore all that it brings up for us as parents.
Discipline is often challenging because we love our kids and want them to behave in ways that are "socially acceptable", not only as a cultural expectation, but as a way to impart the values we each hold for our family and to help our kids be kind and compassionate friends and siblings. We are their most important teachers and often the ones they rebel against the most when it comes to limit setting, especially once they hit age three . So what to do?
In addition to the hand-outs that have lots of good reminders and suggestions (and I am making these available in a special folder for everyone), some great suggestions and experiences were shared in class.
Reach out. When things are getting too stressful and the power struggle is going south, remember to "tag-team" with your partner and ask for help. If your partner is not available...take a time-out for yourself, as best you can. "Phone a friend": cash in your chips with friend or relative and ask them to talk you down...
Remember to breathe! We can even do this with our child by saying "I am feeling really stressed right now, how about we both take some deep breaths". Then do so even if your child does not seem interested...he is watching you.
Set up a "soft place" where your child can go to calm herself and do this at a time when she is calm and can participate in the creation of such a space. You can say "I would like to make a special place with you where you can go when you feel upset and want to feel better. This will be your own safe place and no one else can use it." Then see how you can help your child to create a place that has soft toys, blankets and things to snuggle with. Practice using the space by reading stories together there and encouraging a positive connection with their special place. It will then be a resource for them when they are upset rather than a place of exile. It is best if the space is close enough to you for them to know you are nearby so they do not feel abandoned or anxious. The goal is to coach them to learn how to self-soothe.
Counting to three: a fine art! The question that came up with the counting technique was "what do I do when I get to three?" Good question! When we state a consequence we need to be able to follow through or the lesson becomes "Mom/Dad do not really need to be taken seriously" or "there really are no limits". This may lead to kids feeling inappropriately powerful and insecure. Counting to three helps us think and calm our own mind. Again, a family discussion ahead of time to explain what will happen at "3" will set the expectation so that your child (and you) knows what this means. The consequence could be the loss of a privilege for an older child, time in the "safe place", or just a few minutes of time away from an activity until the child is calm.
Upgrade/upcycle. And perhaps most importantly, remember that discipline "techniques" often need to be tweaked and advanced as our children get older and their needs change. Ask other parents what they do and get ideas...there is a lot of experience in our Coop!
Discipline is often challenging because we love our kids and want them to behave in ways that are "socially acceptable", not only as a cultural expectation, but as a way to impart the values we each hold for our family and to help our kids be kind and compassionate friends and siblings. We are their most important teachers and often the ones they rebel against the most when it comes to limit setting, especially once they hit age three . So what to do?
In addition to the hand-outs that have lots of good reminders and suggestions (and I am making these available in a special folder for everyone), some great suggestions and experiences were shared in class.
Reach out. When things are getting too stressful and the power struggle is going south, remember to "tag-team" with your partner and ask for help. If your partner is not available...take a time-out for yourself, as best you can. "Phone a friend": cash in your chips with friend or relative and ask them to talk you down...
Remember to breathe! We can even do this with our child by saying "I am feeling really stressed right now, how about we both take some deep breaths". Then do so even if your child does not seem interested...he is watching you.
Set up a "soft place" where your child can go to calm herself and do this at a time when she is calm and can participate in the creation of such a space. You can say "I would like to make a special place with you where you can go when you feel upset and want to feel better. This will be your own safe place and no one else can use it." Then see how you can help your child to create a place that has soft toys, blankets and things to snuggle with. Practice using the space by reading stories together there and encouraging a positive connection with their special place. It will then be a resource for them when they are upset rather than a place of exile. It is best if the space is close enough to you for them to know you are nearby so they do not feel abandoned or anxious. The goal is to coach them to learn how to self-soothe.
Counting to three: a fine art! The question that came up with the counting technique was "what do I do when I get to three?" Good question! When we state a consequence we need to be able to follow through or the lesson becomes "Mom/Dad do not really need to be taken seriously" or "there really are no limits". This may lead to kids feeling inappropriately powerful and insecure. Counting to three helps us think and calm our own mind. Again, a family discussion ahead of time to explain what will happen at "3" will set the expectation so that your child (and you) knows what this means. The consequence could be the loss of a privilege for an older child, time in the "safe place", or just a few minutes of time away from an activity until the child is calm.
Upgrade/upcycle. And perhaps most importantly, remember that discipline "techniques" often need to be tweaked and advanced as our children get older and their needs change. Ask other parents what they do and get ideas...there is a lot of experience in our Coop!
Friday, November 2, 2012
Storytelling
Whew! October was a very busy month. I am finally able to post again...
In our parent meetings for the 3/4 and 4/5 parents we talked about a way to help kids process difficult or distressing experiences using empathy and storytelling. This is also relevant for the T-3 families and I will have the hand-outs ready for us to discuss at our next T-3 parent ed meeting.
So what is the storytelling technique? It is a simple and useful way to help our kids make sense of their experiences. It is way of creating a cohesive narrative for an upsetting situation which helps our children feel comforted and resolve overwhelming emotions.
My guess is that many of you use this in some way already, so this may seem familiar to you. Every child responds differently to storytelling, so feel free to adapt this in whatever way is needed for your child's temperament.
When kids are upset by something that happens, they can move on more quickly when the experience makes sense and they feel understood and emotionally held by their loving parent/caretaker. Putting words to feelings and creating a story together after the upsetting event really helps wrap it up in a way that allows a child to move on and not stay stuck in the emotions.
How do we do this? It is best to create a story out of an upset after it happens with enough time lapsing so that the child is not in the immediacy of the experience. I have used puppets and stuffed animals to help tell the story about a "third party" who had the same experience as the child, especially if the child resists the storytelling about him or herself.
Then tell the story of the upset together:
"You were so sad today when Joey pushed you down"
"I cried a lot"
"Yes you cried"
"He hurt me!"
"Yes, your knee was hurting"
"I don't like him!"
"You were mad at Joey for pushing"
"Yes. He shouldn't push"
"Teacher talked to him and he said he was sorry"
"Yeah"
"He seemed very sorry didn't he?"
"Yeah"
"What happened next?"
"We played pirates"
"That's right! You played pirates, now I remember..."
"Yeah, he was a funny pirate and I had a parrot"
"You had fun after that"
"Yeah. Can Joey come over after preschool tomorrow?"
"Let's ask his Dad!"
Helping our children to put words to big feelings allows the right and left brain to communicate and put order to the experience. Small children are right brain dominant, meaning they do not have enough language to understand that the pain of the hurt knee will not last forever. They need an adult to help manage the intensity of the pain and fear. The child in this example may have returned to school the next day without telling the story with his Mom and acted out his upset with Joey, but now he has an integrated experience that helps him to move on.
This is a very simplified example, but I invite you to try this out and report back to our group at the next meeting. With practice this can be very helpful for both parents and kids.
In our parent meetings for the 3/4 and 4/5 parents we talked about a way to help kids process difficult or distressing experiences using empathy and storytelling. This is also relevant for the T-3 families and I will have the hand-outs ready for us to discuss at our next T-3 parent ed meeting.
So what is the storytelling technique? It is a simple and useful way to help our kids make sense of their experiences. It is way of creating a cohesive narrative for an upsetting situation which helps our children feel comforted and resolve overwhelming emotions.
My guess is that many of you use this in some way already, so this may seem familiar to you. Every child responds differently to storytelling, so feel free to adapt this in whatever way is needed for your child's temperament.
When kids are upset by something that happens, they can move on more quickly when the experience makes sense and they feel understood and emotionally held by their loving parent/caretaker. Putting words to feelings and creating a story together after the upsetting event really helps wrap it up in a way that allows a child to move on and not stay stuck in the emotions.
How do we do this? It is best to create a story out of an upset after it happens with enough time lapsing so that the child is not in the immediacy of the experience. I have used puppets and stuffed animals to help tell the story about a "third party" who had the same experience as the child, especially if the child resists the storytelling about him or herself.
Then tell the story of the upset together:
"You were so sad today when Joey pushed you down"
"I cried a lot"
"Yes you cried"
"He hurt me!"
"Yes, your knee was hurting"
"I don't like him!"
"You were mad at Joey for pushing"
"Yes. He shouldn't push"
"Teacher talked to him and he said he was sorry"
"Yeah"
"He seemed very sorry didn't he?"
"Yeah"
"What happened next?"
"We played pirates"
"That's right! You played pirates, now I remember..."
"Yeah, he was a funny pirate and I had a parrot"
"You had fun after that"
"Yeah. Can Joey come over after preschool tomorrow?"
"Let's ask his Dad!"
Helping our children to put words to big feelings allows the right and left brain to communicate and put order to the experience. Small children are right brain dominant, meaning they do not have enough language to understand that the pain of the hurt knee will not last forever. They need an adult to help manage the intensity of the pain and fear. The child in this example may have returned to school the next day without telling the story with his Mom and acted out his upset with Joey, but now he has an integrated experience that helps him to move on.
This is a very simplified example, but I invite you to try this out and report back to our group at the next meeting. With practice this can be very helpful for both parents and kids.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Mindfulness
There is a lot of talk about mindfulness in the community of parent education and psychology. What is mindfulness and how can it help us as parents and as families?
Rather than assume we all know what this term means, I would like to describe what I think it is and ask if others have experience with mindfulness practices.
I think mindfulness is a way of focusing on our awareness in such a way that we are able to tune into our thoughts and feelings and make choices as to our response to the world from a calm and peaceful place. Psychology Today defines mindfulness as, “a state of active, open attention on the present.”
Psychologists have been able to study how the brain works in more depth over the past 10
years and have discovered a western explanation of mindfulness that is impacting parenting education and anxiety management profoundly. Recent evolutions in the practice of mindfulness have shown results such as reducing adverse symptoms of trauma and shortening treatment time in psychotherapy.
I just love when ancient wisdom meets western medical "discoveries".
I just love when ancient wisdom meets western medical "discoveries".
I first became aware of this concept some 20 years ago from Thict Nhat Han, a Buddhist monk from Viet Nam who is now well known and respected around the world. His books are quite popular in the west and many who are not practicing Buddhists are well acquainted with his mindfulness teachings.
Dan Siegel, M.D. has written and studied the effects of mindfulness practices on our well-being.
I have included a link to a great article he has written.
I recommend it if you can possibly find the time!
http://lifespanlearn.info/articles/Siegel-Mindfulness.pdf
Meanwhile...whenever you can, focus on simply being in the moment. Relax by taking a soft, deep breath and even close your eyes. With active vibrant young children in our lives this can be hard to do. But even young children can learn to take a deep breath with us. A child's time-less way of being in the world can often teach us to slow down and savor the beauty of the present moment.
The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers. – Thich Nhat Hanh
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Homework Can be Fun!
At our parent meeting last month we talked about some Reflective Parenting principles including the Thinking/Feeling/Doing exercise where we looked at how to step back from intense interactions with our children and reflect rather than react. The homework we had was to simply watch our child at play in a one-on-one situation for 15-30 minutes and observe their behavior without taking the lead, but joining in at our child's direction. I am wondering how that is going for those of you who had a chance to do it?
What did you discover about your child and yourself? Anything interesting?
Some parents have told me that this simple exercise has changed the way they see their child and created a more relaxed interaction when they were able to step out of the the leader/teacher role and let their little one " take charge". It can be a delightful experience on both ends. Our children often do not get to lead their play time with us as we are usually trying to teach or influence in some way in order to support them and help them grow. But they also have minds of their own and it can be fascinating to discover what is going on when we step back a foot or two and let them be our "teacher".
What did you discover about your child and yourself? Anything interesting?
Some parents have told me that this simple exercise has changed the way they see their child and created a more relaxed interaction when they were able to step out of the the leader/teacher role and let their little one " take charge". It can be a delightful experience on both ends. Our children often do not get to lead their play time with us as we are usually trying to teach or influence in some way in order to support them and help them grow. But they also have minds of their own and it can be fascinating to discover what is going on when we step back a foot or two and let them be our "teacher".
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Sibling Relationships
One of the great discussions that came up for us during parent ed night was the issue of sibling relationships, especially conflicts, competing needs and dare I say it? Rivalry!
So I will out myself and let you know that my husband and I are parents of an only child, who we like to call the "third parent" since somehow she got the idea very early that she has equal say in our family. Of course, we know that isn't possible, but it is true that her being is entirely equal in value and importance...it is just that we "real" parents get to make the decisions and that doesn't feel fair to her somehow...
While I have not been in the thick of sibling dynamics as a parent myself, I have lived in community with other parents I can say I have intervened plenty and learned a lot about solving and managing kid conflicts.
One of the most important things I have learned is to recognize what gets stirred up in me when the kids I care about are fighting. My own need to intervene for the sake of peace and harmony is often elicited, even if what the kids need to do is work out a solution themselves. If we intervene too quickly, we rob them of the experience of negotiating a compromise.
Adults can help kids by coaching them to think of different solutions when they are stuck in a conflict. But first, what adults can do to really help, is to name the conflict for what it is : " you two are really struggling over there, you both want to use the remote, but there is only one", and then get them to think instead of react, "hmm...let's see what you can think of to solve this ".
Objective observation with little emotion on your part can do a lot to calm a situation. Naming the struggle and some of the feelings ("you both seem really frustrated right now") helps engage and validate the emotions involved ( the "downstairs brain" as Dan Seigle says). Focusing on the solutions helps engage the "upstairs" brain and gets kids to thinking as opposed to reacting.
The trick here is to remember to do this same thing ourselves as parents! When we think of ourselves as teachers and coaches, it slows down the reaction on our part. We may have to intervene quickly and separate the siblings involved to prevent physical confrontations. But we can stay focused on goals to teach and model how to use our mind in tough situations.
A very helpful article from Kids Health goes into more detail:
Monday, September 17, 2012
A Funny thing Happened on the Way to Parent Ed Class...
Last night I had two vivid dreams about our first parent ed classes going awry. In one dream there were many people there vying for the parent's attention and some were even trying to sell you parents all kinds of extra stuff! There were too many disruptions to even get through introductions and some parents had to leave before they could be introduced. Sigh! It was a mess.
I realized once I woke up that I was having a school anxiety dream. Remember those? As I thought more about it I further realized how this dream is such a great representation of what it feels like to be a parent. Constant disruptions, you think things are going one way and then they go another, and in the middle of it all it seems like someone is always trying to sell you a better way to do things: easier, quicker, better...
Welcome to our first class where there will be no selling ;) The methods may or may not be "quicker" or "easier", but my sincere hope is that they will help you to parent at your best, which will be different from how other parents interact with their children because each Parent-child relationship and family is different.
And we will be problem solving together, using our brains and our caring to support one another.
So bring as much of your brain as you have left at the end of the day, and your openness to learn in a non-judgemental atmosphere, your stories and your concerns. See you soon!
I realized once I woke up that I was having a school anxiety dream. Remember those? As I thought more about it I further realized how this dream is such a great representation of what it feels like to be a parent. Constant disruptions, you think things are going one way and then they go another, and in the middle of it all it seems like someone is always trying to sell you a better way to do things: easier, quicker, better...
Welcome to our first class where there will be no selling ;) The methods may or may not be "quicker" or "easier", but my sincere hope is that they will help you to parent at your best, which will be different from how other parents interact with their children because each Parent-child relationship and family is different.
And we will be problem solving together, using our brains and our caring to support one another.
So bring as much of your brain as you have left at the end of the day, and your openness to learn in a non-judgemental atmosphere, your stories and your concerns. See you soon!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Now for something completely practical...
What can we expect of our toddlers and preschoolers as they march forward on the developmental trail of childhood? They change so fast in some ways and in other ways we wonder, will he ever get there (read: potty trained and words we can understand). Yes! Most children do go to college completely potty trained, but no guarantees about language we can understand :)
Joking aside, if a child has a serious delay, this can truly be a challenge and a stress for families and it is important to catch delays as early as possible. Knowing where your child is on the developmental map and getting reassurance if you are worried is necessary to being able to parent at your best.
So what should we expect for our little ones in terms of developmental milestones?
My opinion is that there is a wide range of "normal" in terms of reaching milestones.
I'd like to recommend a very helpful book called "Is This a Phase?" by Helen F. Neville. It is a wonderful guide to child development from birth to 6 years. She covers just about everything and has great charts, graphs and descriptions of phases for both children and parents. I have a copy I will bring to our first class along with other parenting books I am fond of. I would like to hear about books others find helpful, too.
We will have time to look at developmental issues more deeply in our classes.
Here are some interesting highlights from Neville's book:
T-3's:
"Toddlers who are 18 months to 2 years live in the present moment...Words and phrases such as soon, later, this afternoon, tomorrow have no meaning. If it isn't now it is never. No wonder toddlers are so impatient and demand everything now".
" Starting around 21 months toddlers begin to figure out that one particular thing follows another..'after Daddy fills my cup, then I can drink' ...They pay close attention to sequence.
Sequence becomes their clock. That's why they get so upset when we do things out of order.
We'd get just as upset if someone kept resetting our clocks"
"Sometime after 2 toddlers will understand in a few minutes...much more easily if they can look at an egg timer or listen to a familiar song...not until 2 1/2 can a child think ahead and want to hurry to the park to ride on the swing...and not until near 3 can toddlers divide the day into before lunch and after lunch or know that tomorrow is sooner than ten years from now".
3-4's:
"Whining is more common at three than at any other year...parents may demonstrate a whiny tone to help children understand and then say 'tell me in your strong voice, I can hear you better that way' ".
"Many three year olds are not in control of their rapidly developing bodies. They may stumble or fall more often...they may avoid activities that look easy to us, feeling less sure of themselves than earlier...they may keep to themselves more. "Don't look at me!" "Don't talk to me!" "Do you love me?"...with reassurance these moments of upset usually pass quickly".
4-5's:
"Your not the boss of me! 4 1/2 years..." "Fours are happy, noisy, bouncy. they have a 'blooming' self confidence and like to show off and brag: I can run faster than anyone...I have more than you"
"They push harder to get their own way, tests limits to learn how the rules work and who is in charge.
They behave worst with the parent they trust, because they believe we love them regardless. They need our patience, not pressure, and rules that are both kindly stated and backed up with consequences".
5's
"Fives are quieter, more secure and dependable...they wait more easily for their turn because they understand time and have more impulse control. They believe in the tooth fairy and other magical beings. Fives notice the world around them..and that they are a part of it..with their wider awareness of the world they now understand that bad things can happen. At 5 1/2 they may need reassurance that they will be cared for..."
Bring your concerns and questions to class! T-3's meet on Tuesday 9/18 from 7-9. And 3-4's and 4-5's meet on Wednesday 9/19 from 7-9PM.
Joking aside, if a child has a serious delay, this can truly be a challenge and a stress for families and it is important to catch delays as early as possible. Knowing where your child is on the developmental map and getting reassurance if you are worried is necessary to being able to parent at your best.
So what should we expect for our little ones in terms of developmental milestones?
My opinion is that there is a wide range of "normal" in terms of reaching milestones.
I'd like to recommend a very helpful book called "Is This a Phase?" by Helen F. Neville. It is a wonderful guide to child development from birth to 6 years. She covers just about everything and has great charts, graphs and descriptions of phases for both children and parents. I have a copy I will bring to our first class along with other parenting books I am fond of. I would like to hear about books others find helpful, too.
We will have time to look at developmental issues more deeply in our classes.
Here are some interesting highlights from Neville's book:
T-3's:
"Toddlers who are 18 months to 2 years live in the present moment...Words and phrases such as soon, later, this afternoon, tomorrow have no meaning. If it isn't now it is never. No wonder toddlers are so impatient and demand everything now".
" Starting around 21 months toddlers begin to figure out that one particular thing follows another..'after Daddy fills my cup, then I can drink' ...They pay close attention to sequence.
Sequence becomes their clock. That's why they get so upset when we do things out of order.
We'd get just as upset if someone kept resetting our clocks"
"Sometime after 2 toddlers will understand in a few minutes...much more easily if they can look at an egg timer or listen to a familiar song...not until 2 1/2 can a child think ahead and want to hurry to the park to ride on the swing...and not until near 3 can toddlers divide the day into before lunch and after lunch or know that tomorrow is sooner than ten years from now".
3-4's:
"Whining is more common at three than at any other year...parents may demonstrate a whiny tone to help children understand and then say 'tell me in your strong voice, I can hear you better that way' ".
"Many three year olds are not in control of their rapidly developing bodies. They may stumble or fall more often...they may avoid activities that look easy to us, feeling less sure of themselves than earlier...they may keep to themselves more. "Don't look at me!" "Don't talk to me!" "Do you love me?"...with reassurance these moments of upset usually pass quickly".
4-5's:
"Your not the boss of me! 4 1/2 years..." "Fours are happy, noisy, bouncy. they have a 'blooming' self confidence and like to show off and brag: I can run faster than anyone...I have more than you"
"They push harder to get their own way, tests limits to learn how the rules work and who is in charge.
They behave worst with the parent they trust, because they believe we love them regardless. They need our patience, not pressure, and rules that are both kindly stated and backed up with consequences".
5's
"Fives are quieter, more secure and dependable...they wait more easily for their turn because they understand time and have more impulse control. They believe in the tooth fairy and other magical beings. Fives notice the world around them..and that they are a part of it..with their wider awareness of the world they now understand that bad things can happen. At 5 1/2 they may need reassurance that they will be cared for..."
Bring your concerns and questions to class! T-3's meet on Tuesday 9/18 from 7-9. And 3-4's and 4-5's meet on Wednesday 9/19 from 7-9PM.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Mastering the Morning Rush! Warning: Not a Quick Fix Blog Entry :)
Who doesn't dread the morning rush? With school starting and schedules changing, getting out the door on time can be the most stressful time of day for parents. Even when we follow all of the helpful suggestions about preparing lunch the night before and making sure the backpack has a change of clothes and diapers, we can never anticipate the many unexpected challenges that may arise in the 1/2 hour before we leave the house: a favorite toy is lost, the precious green socks she wore yesterday are wet and in the wash, a little finger gets an owie... We start to stress and lose access to our thinking brain and start reacting, sometimes with irritation and anger.
When my daughter was in preschool I admit to many mornings of frustration and impatience as we struggled to get socks on (inside out because the inside seam scratched and irritated her little foot), as I repeatedly glanced at the clock, sweating it because I hated being the "late parent" to school.
It seems silly now, but it really felt awful some days, and I just could not understand how one morning was easy and the next difficult. My learning curve as a mother was straight up. And I did not like being at the bottom of the curve. I wanted to be one of those experienced calm mothers who waltzed into school on time with organic blueberry muffins for everyone and an adorable and smiling cutely dressed 3 year old. Ha!
How I wish Reflective Parenting workshops were around 10 years ago... I would have learned how to calm myself, take a breath and step back. What was my little girl's view of this morning madness?What was she thinking, feeling and doing in our moments of struggle? What was going on in my head as I darted around the house keeping us "on track". How could I take in her 3 year old view of the morning preparations as I ushered us out the door and understand the impact of my stress on her responses? I would have used my thinking brain to consider my responses, rather than reacting out of stress. Maybe I would have even asked for help!
This parent-child relationship thing is really pretty complex on some levels. You see, there are two very distinct minds at work in this dynamic. And depending on where our child is developmentally, both can be equally as determined and goal oriented. As parents with many tasks and responsibilities on our minds, we often do not see the inner world of our child as separate from us. We are supposed to be " in control and in charge". Our children must be taught to "mind" us and become socialized. But taking time to discover the inner life of our child takes patience and a particular kind of awareness.
Patience with our child and ourselves, taking time to reflect on what is behind our child's behavior, empowers us as parents and helps us to communicate more effectively. What can we expect of a 2 year old? Is our child's temperament impacting morning rush hour? Do we have a slow-starter while we are an anxious over-achiever? When we are able to think calmly we are less reactive and able to make choices as to how to respond or intervene with difficult behaviors. And it builds the bonds of trust and the feeling of being understood, which often calms difficult interactions and lets our child use the thinking part of his brain, rather than being flooded with emotion.
So what does this have to do with getting out the door on time in the morning rush? Well, everything and nothing! It is really about us parents keeping calm and tracking our own stress. How important is it to "be on time" (yes, sometimes it really is!)? Are we bending to some inner critic or a desperate need to control something in our sometimes out of control schedule and child? Are we comparing ourselves to that "perfect" parent we hold ourselves up to as a model of how we ought to be? Are we being kind to ourselves?
And who is this child, the one we were given, who may be off the charts in their activity level or still not talking when older siblings were speaking in paragraphs? What is happening inside that little head? We may be very surprised when we step back and watch more objectively and lessen the pressure on ourselves to control every interaction with our child.
And when we react in the moment in ways we are not proud of, which we are going to do, how do we re-connect with our child in a way that brings us closer? We can repair our mis-steps and teach that no one is perfect, we all get upset some times and it is okay...we can listen, reassure and hold our child as they tell us how we may have scared her or hurt his feelings. In my experience, my daughter was over the blow up much sooner than I was...especially when I took time to talk with her about it.
Nurturing our relationship is the most important parenting "technique" we have in our toolbox as it is through our connectedness and understanding of our child that our bond is strengthened and trust is built. This is a parenting tool that lasts throughout all childhood developmental stages and into adulthood.
When my daughter was in preschool I admit to many mornings of frustration and impatience as we struggled to get socks on (inside out because the inside seam scratched and irritated her little foot), as I repeatedly glanced at the clock, sweating it because I hated being the "late parent" to school.
It seems silly now, but it really felt awful some days, and I just could not understand how one morning was easy and the next difficult. My learning curve as a mother was straight up. And I did not like being at the bottom of the curve. I wanted to be one of those experienced calm mothers who waltzed into school on time with organic blueberry muffins for everyone and an adorable and smiling cutely dressed 3 year old. Ha!
How I wish Reflective Parenting workshops were around 10 years ago... I would have learned how to calm myself, take a breath and step back. What was my little girl's view of this morning madness?What was she thinking, feeling and doing in our moments of struggle? What was going on in my head as I darted around the house keeping us "on track". How could I take in her 3 year old view of the morning preparations as I ushered us out the door and understand the impact of my stress on her responses? I would have used my thinking brain to consider my responses, rather than reacting out of stress. Maybe I would have even asked for help!
This parent-child relationship thing is really pretty complex on some levels. You see, there are two very distinct minds at work in this dynamic. And depending on where our child is developmentally, both can be equally as determined and goal oriented. As parents with many tasks and responsibilities on our minds, we often do not see the inner world of our child as separate from us. We are supposed to be " in control and in charge". Our children must be taught to "mind" us and become socialized. But taking time to discover the inner life of our child takes patience and a particular kind of awareness.
Patience with our child and ourselves, taking time to reflect on what is behind our child's behavior, empowers us as parents and helps us to communicate more effectively. What can we expect of a 2 year old? Is our child's temperament impacting morning rush hour? Do we have a slow-starter while we are an anxious over-achiever? When we are able to think calmly we are less reactive and able to make choices as to how to respond or intervene with difficult behaviors. And it builds the bonds of trust and the feeling of being understood, which often calms difficult interactions and lets our child use the thinking part of his brain, rather than being flooded with emotion.
So what does this have to do with getting out the door on time in the morning rush? Well, everything and nothing! It is really about us parents keeping calm and tracking our own stress. How important is it to "be on time" (yes, sometimes it really is!)? Are we bending to some inner critic or a desperate need to control something in our sometimes out of control schedule and child? Are we comparing ourselves to that "perfect" parent we hold ourselves up to as a model of how we ought to be? Are we being kind to ourselves?
And who is this child, the one we were given, who may be off the charts in their activity level or still not talking when older siblings were speaking in paragraphs? What is happening inside that little head? We may be very surprised when we step back and watch more objectively and lessen the pressure on ourselves to control every interaction with our child.
And when we react in the moment in ways we are not proud of, which we are going to do, how do we re-connect with our child in a way that brings us closer? We can repair our mis-steps and teach that no one is perfect, we all get upset some times and it is okay...we can listen, reassure and hold our child as they tell us how we may have scared her or hurt his feelings. In my experience, my daughter was over the blow up much sooner than I was...especially when I took time to talk with her about it.
Nurturing our relationship is the most important parenting "technique" we have in our toolbox as it is through our connectedness and understanding of our child that our bond is strengthened and trust is built. This is a parenting tool that lasts throughout all childhood developmental stages and into adulthood.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Transitions and the Brain
It is that time of year when the start of new activities for toddlers and preschoolers can lead to separation and transition challenges for both children and parents. Perhaps your child is starting preschool for the first time, or returning to a new teacher or class. For some children a sibling is starting full day kindergarten, or the summer schedule changing means friends are going to different activities and they will be seen less often. Parents are out of vacation mode and schedules become less flexible :(
All these scenarios are transitions that require adaptation for all family members. Some of us are more "adaptable" than others. Depending on our temperament, we may breeze through these changes or be slower to accept change and need time to adjust. Others may be in-between these two reactions as it is so variable. Even kids who are actively excited about returning to their beloved preschool with have emotions about the changes from summer to fall.
As parents, being aware that some of the changes in our child's behavior may be due to moving from "summer timelessness" to more structured time activities and new experiences can help us to cope and better support our little ones.
Preparing for changes can really help children to cope. Talking with them about their teacher or preschool in a gentle and light way will help them begin to picture the upcoming change in their mind: "Do you remember teacher Molly? We are going to see her again soon. Do you remember when you made purple play dough at preschool with Chloe?"
For toddlers, pointing to the preschool and remarking "Look! There is the coop! We will be going there to play soon!" as you drive by or a visit to the playground before school starts can help them understand and feel more familiar with the setting. The slow start at VMCP is great for the adjustment to this big change in schedule and new experiences.
In his new book, "The Whole Brain Child", Dan Siegel. M.D. talks about engaging the "upstairs and downstairs brain" in our children. The upstairs brain processes thoughts, images and reasoning, while the downstairs brain houses our emotions (fight or flight reactions). In children the brain is like a house under construction. the upstairs brain (logic, reasoning, self-control, empathy) is not fully developed until the mid-twenties. They can get trapped in the downstairs brain of primitive emotions, especially during transitions, and need our help to think and process change and new experiences. By rehearsing upcoming events through talking or practice visits we are helping our child to adjust to change in a way that is friendly to the "downstairs" emotional brain and supports integration of both the upstairs and downstairs functions of the brain. We all need both!
All these scenarios are transitions that require adaptation for all family members. Some of us are more "adaptable" than others. Depending on our temperament, we may breeze through these changes or be slower to accept change and need time to adjust. Others may be in-between these two reactions as it is so variable. Even kids who are actively excited about returning to their beloved preschool with have emotions about the changes from summer to fall.
As parents, being aware that some of the changes in our child's behavior may be due to moving from "summer timelessness" to more structured time activities and new experiences can help us to cope and better support our little ones.
Preparing for changes can really help children to cope. Talking with them about their teacher or preschool in a gentle and light way will help them begin to picture the upcoming change in their mind: "Do you remember teacher Molly? We are going to see her again soon. Do you remember when you made purple play dough at preschool with Chloe?"
For toddlers, pointing to the preschool and remarking "Look! There is the coop! We will be going there to play soon!" as you drive by or a visit to the playground before school starts can help them understand and feel more familiar with the setting. The slow start at VMCP is great for the adjustment to this big change in schedule and new experiences.
In his new book, "The Whole Brain Child", Dan Siegel. M.D. talks about engaging the "upstairs and downstairs brain" in our children. The upstairs brain processes thoughts, images and reasoning, while the downstairs brain houses our emotions (fight or flight reactions). In children the brain is like a house under construction. the upstairs brain (logic, reasoning, self-control, empathy) is not fully developed until the mid-twenties. They can get trapped in the downstairs brain of primitive emotions, especially during transitions, and need our help to think and process change and new experiences. By rehearsing upcoming events through talking or practice visits we are helping our child to adjust to change in a way that is friendly to the "downstairs" emotional brain and supports integration of both the upstairs and downstairs functions of the brain. We all need both!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Welcome Preschool Parents!
I am so excited to get started as the new Parent Educator for the Vashon Maury Cooperative Preschool! Since my time in the classroom is going to be monthly rather than weekly as it had been previously, I thought that having a blog could help us keep in touch during the month and be a forum for ideas and support for parents. Let me know what you think and if you would like to be involved. Feel free to contribute and ask questions. I will be replying weekly.
If you have questions or concerns you would rather not blog about, please call or email me. I will make my contact information available at our evening orientation in August.
Here are some thoughts to get us started:
It is wonderful that you will be involved with your children and other parents at preschool. What a great oppportunity to learn and gather support as well as offer our own wisdom and experience to others. It takes a village to raise a child and to support parents! We live in exciting and over-stimulating times and learning to juggle this modern lifestyle is particularly challenging for parents and children. How can we protect oursleves from becoming over-stressed, over-committed and over-anxious about raising our kids? How can we enjoy parenting and feel connected to our children when we do not understand their behaviors? What is "normal" developmentally for our children? These are some of the topics we can explore together.
If you have questions or concerns you would rather not blog about, please call or email me. I will make my contact information available at our evening orientation in August.
Here are some thoughts to get us started:
It is wonderful that you will be involved with your children and other parents at preschool. What a great oppportunity to learn and gather support as well as offer our own wisdom and experience to others. It takes a village to raise a child and to support parents! We live in exciting and over-stimulating times and learning to juggle this modern lifestyle is particularly challenging for parents and children. How can we protect oursleves from becoming over-stressed, over-committed and over-anxious about raising our kids? How can we enjoy parenting and feel connected to our children when we do not understand their behaviors? What is "normal" developmentally for our children? These are some of the topics we can explore together.
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