One of the great discussions that came up for us during parent ed night was the issue of sibling relationships, especially conflicts, competing needs and dare I say it? Rivalry!
So I will out myself and let you know that my husband and I are parents of an only child, who we like to call the "third parent" since somehow she got the idea very early that she has equal say in our family. Of course, we know that isn't possible, but it is true that her being is entirely equal in value and importance...it is just that we "real" parents get to make the decisions and that doesn't feel fair to her somehow...
While I have not been in the thick of sibling dynamics as a parent myself, I have lived in community with other parents I can say I have intervened plenty and learned a lot about solving and managing kid conflicts.
One of the most important things I have learned is to recognize what gets stirred up in me when the kids I care about are fighting. My own need to intervene for the sake of peace and harmony is often elicited, even if what the kids need to do is work out a solution themselves. If we intervene too quickly, we rob them of the experience of negotiating a compromise.
Adults can help kids by coaching them to think of different solutions when they are stuck in a conflict. But first, what adults can do to really help, is to name the conflict for what it is : " you two are really struggling over there, you both want to use the remote, but there is only one", and then get them to think instead of react, "hmm...let's see what you can think of to solve this ".
Objective observation with little emotion on your part can do a lot to calm a situation. Naming the struggle and some of the feelings ("you both seem really frustrated right now") helps engage and validate the emotions involved ( the "downstairs brain" as Dan Seigle says). Focusing on the solutions helps engage the "upstairs" brain and gets kids to thinking as opposed to reacting.
The trick here is to remember to do this same thing ourselves as parents! When we think of ourselves as teachers and coaches, it slows down the reaction on our part. We may have to intervene quickly and separate the siblings involved to prevent physical confrontations. But we can stay focused on goals to teach and model how to use our mind in tough situations.
A very helpful article from Kids Health goes into more detail:
No comments:
Post a Comment