Our discussion topic last week was on discipline and as I expected it was very rich and we could have used a lot more time to explore all that it brings up for us as parents.
Discipline is often challenging because we love our kids and want them to behave in ways that are "socially acceptable", not only as a cultural expectation, but as a way to impart the values we each hold for our family and to help our kids be kind and compassionate friends and siblings. We are their most important teachers and often the ones they rebel against the most when it comes to limit setting, especially once they hit age three . So what to do?
In addition to the hand-outs that have lots of good reminders and suggestions (and I am making these available in a special folder for everyone), some great suggestions and experiences were shared in class.
Reach out. When things are getting too stressful and the power struggle is going south, remember to "tag-team" with your partner and ask for help. If your partner is not available...take a time-out for yourself, as best you can. "Phone a friend": cash in your chips with friend or relative and ask them to talk you down...
Remember to breathe! We can even do this with our child by saying "I am feeling really stressed right now, how about we both take some deep breaths". Then do so even if your child does not seem interested...he is watching you.
Set up a "soft place" where your child can go to calm herself and do this at a time when she is calm and can participate in the creation of such a space. You can say "I would like to make a special place with you where you can go when you feel upset and want to feel better. This will be your own safe place and no one else can use it." Then see how you can help your child to create a place that has soft toys, blankets and things to snuggle with. Practice using the space by reading stories together there and encouraging a positive connection with their special place. It will then be a resource for them when they are upset rather than a place of exile. It is best if the space is close enough to you for them to know you are nearby so they do not feel abandoned or anxious. The goal is to coach them to learn how to self-soothe.
Counting to three: a fine art! The question that came up with the counting technique was "what do I do when I get to three?" Good question! When we state a consequence we need to be able to follow through or the lesson becomes "Mom/Dad do not really need to be taken seriously" or "there really are no limits". This may lead to kids feeling inappropriately powerful and insecure. Counting to three helps us think and calm our own mind. Again, a family discussion ahead of time to explain what will happen at "3" will set the expectation so that your child (and you) knows what this means. The consequence could be the loss of a privilege for an older child, time in the "safe place", or just a few minutes of time away from an activity until the child is calm.
Upgrade/upcycle. And perhaps most importantly, remember that discipline "techniques" often need to be tweaked and advanced as our children get older and their needs change. Ask other parents what they do and get ideas...there is a lot of experience in our Coop!
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
Storytelling
Whew! October was a very busy month. I am finally able to post again...
In our parent meetings for the 3/4 and 4/5 parents we talked about a way to help kids process difficult or distressing experiences using empathy and storytelling. This is also relevant for the T-3 families and I will have the hand-outs ready for us to discuss at our next T-3 parent ed meeting.
So what is the storytelling technique? It is a simple and useful way to help our kids make sense of their experiences. It is way of creating a cohesive narrative for an upsetting situation which helps our children feel comforted and resolve overwhelming emotions.
My guess is that many of you use this in some way already, so this may seem familiar to you. Every child responds differently to storytelling, so feel free to adapt this in whatever way is needed for your child's temperament.
When kids are upset by something that happens, they can move on more quickly when the experience makes sense and they feel understood and emotionally held by their loving parent/caretaker. Putting words to feelings and creating a story together after the upsetting event really helps wrap it up in a way that allows a child to move on and not stay stuck in the emotions.
How do we do this? It is best to create a story out of an upset after it happens with enough time lapsing so that the child is not in the immediacy of the experience. I have used puppets and stuffed animals to help tell the story about a "third party" who had the same experience as the child, especially if the child resists the storytelling about him or herself.
Then tell the story of the upset together:
"You were so sad today when Joey pushed you down"
"I cried a lot"
"Yes you cried"
"He hurt me!"
"Yes, your knee was hurting"
"I don't like him!"
"You were mad at Joey for pushing"
"Yes. He shouldn't push"
"Teacher talked to him and he said he was sorry"
"Yeah"
"He seemed very sorry didn't he?"
"Yeah"
"What happened next?"
"We played pirates"
"That's right! You played pirates, now I remember..."
"Yeah, he was a funny pirate and I had a parrot"
"You had fun after that"
"Yeah. Can Joey come over after preschool tomorrow?"
"Let's ask his Dad!"
Helping our children to put words to big feelings allows the right and left brain to communicate and put order to the experience. Small children are right brain dominant, meaning they do not have enough language to understand that the pain of the hurt knee will not last forever. They need an adult to help manage the intensity of the pain and fear. The child in this example may have returned to school the next day without telling the story with his Mom and acted out his upset with Joey, but now he has an integrated experience that helps him to move on.
This is a very simplified example, but I invite you to try this out and report back to our group at the next meeting. With practice this can be very helpful for both parents and kids.
In our parent meetings for the 3/4 and 4/5 parents we talked about a way to help kids process difficult or distressing experiences using empathy and storytelling. This is also relevant for the T-3 families and I will have the hand-outs ready for us to discuss at our next T-3 parent ed meeting.
So what is the storytelling technique? It is a simple and useful way to help our kids make sense of their experiences. It is way of creating a cohesive narrative for an upsetting situation which helps our children feel comforted and resolve overwhelming emotions.
My guess is that many of you use this in some way already, so this may seem familiar to you. Every child responds differently to storytelling, so feel free to adapt this in whatever way is needed for your child's temperament.
When kids are upset by something that happens, they can move on more quickly when the experience makes sense and they feel understood and emotionally held by their loving parent/caretaker. Putting words to feelings and creating a story together after the upsetting event really helps wrap it up in a way that allows a child to move on and not stay stuck in the emotions.
How do we do this? It is best to create a story out of an upset after it happens with enough time lapsing so that the child is not in the immediacy of the experience. I have used puppets and stuffed animals to help tell the story about a "third party" who had the same experience as the child, especially if the child resists the storytelling about him or herself.
Then tell the story of the upset together:
"You were so sad today when Joey pushed you down"
"I cried a lot"
"Yes you cried"
"He hurt me!"
"Yes, your knee was hurting"
"I don't like him!"
"You were mad at Joey for pushing"
"Yes. He shouldn't push"
"Teacher talked to him and he said he was sorry"
"Yeah"
"He seemed very sorry didn't he?"
"Yeah"
"What happened next?"
"We played pirates"
"That's right! You played pirates, now I remember..."
"Yeah, he was a funny pirate and I had a parrot"
"You had fun after that"
"Yeah. Can Joey come over after preschool tomorrow?"
"Let's ask his Dad!"
Helping our children to put words to big feelings allows the right and left brain to communicate and put order to the experience. Small children are right brain dominant, meaning they do not have enough language to understand that the pain of the hurt knee will not last forever. They need an adult to help manage the intensity of the pain and fear. The child in this example may have returned to school the next day without telling the story with his Mom and acted out his upset with Joey, but now he has an integrated experience that helps him to move on.
This is a very simplified example, but I invite you to try this out and report back to our group at the next meeting. With practice this can be very helpful for both parents and kids.
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