Why are small children so delightful, joy-filled, exciting, wonderful, loving, inspiring, exasperating, button-pushing, ego-challenging, mystifying and anxiety-provoking?
Three short words: feelings, feelings, feelings.
Parenting is so much about feelings: our own, our children's, and others (society, teachers, grandparents, parenting "experts") who may support or "judge" us.
One of the most difficult issues for new parents is the steep learning curve of becoming a parent to the individual child we have and, at the same time, learning the job of parenting and what it requires of us. On the job training at its most intense in my opinion. And just as we start feeling confident and like we are getting it right, welcome the next developmental stage!
The point about feelings is this is the way small children communicate with us most directly, often most clearly and how we often react to their intense expression of emotion, whether we are aware of it or not. Hopefully, we are able to respond compassionately and calmly most of the time.
Empathy is an important aspect of parenting effectively and communicating skillfully with our children. When we empathize, we are wondering about how our child is understanding something that is upsetting to him. We are using our feelings to understand those of our child. We are not imposing our logic as to why something should not be upsetting. While it may be true that a worm is not going to hurt our 2 year old, his fear is still real and consuming to him. Our empathy and calming words build a cognitive framework for our little one to respond to and interact with the world. We empathize through acknowledging feelings while teaching with our words at the same time. This is what John Gottman has termed emotional intelligence.
As adults we are able to use our brains and highly developed cognitive abilities to help our children process their intense feeling reactions and begin to use the intellectual part of their brain to process events. In fact, the cerebral cortex in children is not separated from the primitive emotion processing brain stem. This means that children become flooded with feelings and literally cannot think when they are upset. This is also true of adults, but at least we have the brain capacity to hold both emotions and thoughts, but small children do not! It is amazing that early childhood is not just one long meltdown :)
Our brains are being used by our children all of the time to create their understanding of a complex world. By putting words to our child's experience, she quite literally depends on your brain to help her make sense of the world and to grow.
One of my most important goals as a parent educator is not only to help parents develop a context for how to parent their own children, but to have a place to express, vent, sort through and hopefully laugh about the joys and terrors of parenting as a way to create a cohesive experience of self and family.
In our time together at preschool, it is focusing on our children that is important for parents, but also connecting with other parents and kids, watching and learning from how they interact with each other. Not comparing in a negative way (because every child is so different), but learning about who we are and who our child is through community interaction.
I guess it is like using the community "brain" as an extension of self that contributes to how parents (and parent educators:) continue to learn and to grow.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Thinking About Separation, Sequencing and Sleep
Our last class focused on separation issues for children and parents. We discussed separation anxiety and how it shows up in different developmental stages and temperaments. As always, our time was lively and well spent.
From the perspective of human attachment, separation from a parent can be a very stressful experience for a child, even if they are not showing it on the outside. Children depend on us for survival, quite literally, and they may become worried if their parent/caregiver is not available.
Helping a small child to cope with separation anxiety involves reassurance and help regulating emotions when fear of abandonment arises. There are many ways to help children manage these very big feelings and having some ideas in your toolbox can help prevent, or at least soften, meltdowns related to separation.
Empowerment through giving choices and verbal cues about when changes are going to happen create predictability for young ones and decrease anxiety.
Even children who are not yet talking can benefit from a parent or caregiver rehearsing the order of events for the day. "First we will eat breakfast, then we will get dressed and go to school to see our friends". Sequencing is how children mark time since they are unable to understand time in the same way an older child. Routines can be so helpful, both in the morning and at bedtime. Children feel more in control and less anxious when they know what will happen next. They also feel more empowered when we give them appropriate choices as part of the routine: "do you want the red socks or the green ones today". Small choices more often make the times when there is no choice more bearable for both child and parent.
Some things we cannot control and may contribute to a parent seeing an uptick in anxious behaviors and separation anxiety: a death in the family, moving, divorce, new school or preschool, changing babysitters, parents traveling for work and any changes in routine, even positive ones, may increase a child's separation anxiety.
Something we addressed in class was how bedtime is also a time of separation and children may feel anxious about going to bed. Often we see this behavior as manipulation or rebellion, but leaving us for the world of sleep and dreams can be scary for some children. Routines at bedtime are an important part of teaching children how to separate, self-soothe and prepare for this transition. Some kids who are brave and independent during the day may fall apart at night when they finally let their guard down and worries and deeper feelings surface that they may have suppressed.
Validating our child's feelings with words and imparting confidence in a loving way that our child can feel safe going to sleep is needed, and needed often, as they learn how to do this for themselves.
If you have thoughts or ideas, please comment and add them to our blog!
From the perspective of human attachment, separation from a parent can be a very stressful experience for a child, even if they are not showing it on the outside. Children depend on us for survival, quite literally, and they may become worried if their parent/caregiver is not available.
Helping a small child to cope with separation anxiety involves reassurance and help regulating emotions when fear of abandonment arises. There are many ways to help children manage these very big feelings and having some ideas in your toolbox can help prevent, or at least soften, meltdowns related to separation.
Empowerment through giving choices and verbal cues about when changes are going to happen create predictability for young ones and decrease anxiety.
Even children who are not yet talking can benefit from a parent or caregiver rehearsing the order of events for the day. "First we will eat breakfast, then we will get dressed and go to school to see our friends". Sequencing is how children mark time since they are unable to understand time in the same way an older child. Routines can be so helpful, both in the morning and at bedtime. Children feel more in control and less anxious when they know what will happen next. They also feel more empowered when we give them appropriate choices as part of the routine: "do you want the red socks or the green ones today". Small choices more often make the times when there is no choice more bearable for both child and parent.
Some things we cannot control and may contribute to a parent seeing an uptick in anxious behaviors and separation anxiety: a death in the family, moving, divorce, new school or preschool, changing babysitters, parents traveling for work and any changes in routine, even positive ones, may increase a child's separation anxiety.
Something we addressed in class was how bedtime is also a time of separation and children may feel anxious about going to bed. Often we see this behavior as manipulation or rebellion, but leaving us for the world of sleep and dreams can be scary for some children. Routines at bedtime are an important part of teaching children how to separate, self-soothe and prepare for this transition. Some kids who are brave and independent during the day may fall apart at night when they finally let their guard down and worries and deeper feelings surface that they may have suppressed.
Validating our child's feelings with words and imparting confidence in a loving way that our child can feel safe going to sleep is needed, and needed often, as they learn how to do this for themselves.
If you have thoughts or ideas, please comment and add them to our blog!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
How to Help Ourselves and Our Children Cope with Tragic Loss
As parents we are naturally acutely aware of our own vulnerability and that of our beloved children. At the same time the journey of being a parent requires us to be fierce protectors of our child's safety. Living with the reality of a dangerous world and our own vulnerability is at times unbearable for us as parents and we must somehow manage to protect ourselves from our worst imaginings.
The heartbreaking tragedy in Newtown Connecticut last Friday has, in a very real sense, permanently changed us as a nation, and ruptured that veil of protection. We cannot help but feel the pain of those parents and imagine, even if only very briefly, the enormity of their loss. This is a kind of secondary trauma for all parents, especially those whose children are especially vulnerable, whether because of their tender young age, or because of mental or physical illness.
The question I have come to is: how can we get through this in a way that strengthens each of us, our communities and our families?
This is the kind of question I will continue to ask myself over the coming months.
For now, I believe it is so very important to allow ourselves as parents to feel our emotions and be very kind to ourselves and each other. If your child is exposed to the information about the tragedy, it is important to listen to what they know and reassure them that you and all the other adults in their life are going to do everything possible to keep them safe. Answer questions honestly, but with as little information as required and appropriate to what you know your child can understand or handle emotionally. Young children with minimal language are still able to understand a lot and they definitely are tuned in to when you are upset. It is important to be careful of how we talk about the event in front of them, even when on the phone.
I strongly recommend that parents, especially those of young children, protect themselves from too much media and information about the tragedy. Reach out to friends and family to talk about your feelings and just be together a bit more often than usual. We need to feel close to other caring humans when experiencing loss, and this is a loss of our sense of safety and understanding of our world. Realize that you may feel more on edge, anger more easily or feel impatient at times with your child. This is part of any grieving experience, but we may not realize consciously that this is happening because the loss is not immediately present in our lives, it happened far away.
Continue to be kind to yourself and it will soften your interactions with others.
Our children are such a vital source of joy and healing for us and for the world.
This is a time we can all be deeply grateful for the presence of the children in our lives.
The heartbreaking tragedy in Newtown Connecticut last Friday has, in a very real sense, permanently changed us as a nation, and ruptured that veil of protection. We cannot help but feel the pain of those parents and imagine, even if only very briefly, the enormity of their loss. This is a kind of secondary trauma for all parents, especially those whose children are especially vulnerable, whether because of their tender young age, or because of mental or physical illness.
The question I have come to is: how can we get through this in a way that strengthens each of us, our communities and our families?
This is the kind of question I will continue to ask myself over the coming months.
For now, I believe it is so very important to allow ourselves as parents to feel our emotions and be very kind to ourselves and each other. If your child is exposed to the information about the tragedy, it is important to listen to what they know and reassure them that you and all the other adults in their life are going to do everything possible to keep them safe. Answer questions honestly, but with as little information as required and appropriate to what you know your child can understand or handle emotionally. Young children with minimal language are still able to understand a lot and they definitely are tuned in to when you are upset. It is important to be careful of how we talk about the event in front of them, even when on the phone.
I strongly recommend that parents, especially those of young children, protect themselves from too much media and information about the tragedy. Reach out to friends and family to talk about your feelings and just be together a bit more often than usual. We need to feel close to other caring humans when experiencing loss, and this is a loss of our sense of safety and understanding of our world. Realize that you may feel more on edge, anger more easily or feel impatient at times with your child. This is part of any grieving experience, but we may not realize consciously that this is happening because the loss is not immediately present in our lives, it happened far away.
Continue to be kind to yourself and it will soften your interactions with others.
Our children are such a vital source of joy and healing for us and for the world.
This is a time we can all be deeply grateful for the presence of the children in our lives.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Discipline with Heart: more ideas
Our discussion topic last week was on discipline and as I expected it was very rich and we could have used a lot more time to explore all that it brings up for us as parents.
Discipline is often challenging because we love our kids and want them to behave in ways that are "socially acceptable", not only as a cultural expectation, but as a way to impart the values we each hold for our family and to help our kids be kind and compassionate friends and siblings. We are their most important teachers and often the ones they rebel against the most when it comes to limit setting, especially once they hit age three . So what to do?
In addition to the hand-outs that have lots of good reminders and suggestions (and I am making these available in a special folder for everyone), some great suggestions and experiences were shared in class.
Reach out. When things are getting too stressful and the power struggle is going south, remember to "tag-team" with your partner and ask for help. If your partner is not available...take a time-out for yourself, as best you can. "Phone a friend": cash in your chips with friend or relative and ask them to talk you down...
Remember to breathe! We can even do this with our child by saying "I am feeling really stressed right now, how about we both take some deep breaths". Then do so even if your child does not seem interested...he is watching you.
Set up a "soft place" where your child can go to calm herself and do this at a time when she is calm and can participate in the creation of such a space. You can say "I would like to make a special place with you where you can go when you feel upset and want to feel better. This will be your own safe place and no one else can use it." Then see how you can help your child to create a place that has soft toys, blankets and things to snuggle with. Practice using the space by reading stories together there and encouraging a positive connection with their special place. It will then be a resource for them when they are upset rather than a place of exile. It is best if the space is close enough to you for them to know you are nearby so they do not feel abandoned or anxious. The goal is to coach them to learn how to self-soothe.
Counting to three: a fine art! The question that came up with the counting technique was "what do I do when I get to three?" Good question! When we state a consequence we need to be able to follow through or the lesson becomes "Mom/Dad do not really need to be taken seriously" or "there really are no limits". This may lead to kids feeling inappropriately powerful and insecure. Counting to three helps us think and calm our own mind. Again, a family discussion ahead of time to explain what will happen at "3" will set the expectation so that your child (and you) knows what this means. The consequence could be the loss of a privilege for an older child, time in the "safe place", or just a few minutes of time away from an activity until the child is calm.
Upgrade/upcycle. And perhaps most importantly, remember that discipline "techniques" often need to be tweaked and advanced as our children get older and their needs change. Ask other parents what they do and get ideas...there is a lot of experience in our Coop!
Discipline is often challenging because we love our kids and want them to behave in ways that are "socially acceptable", not only as a cultural expectation, but as a way to impart the values we each hold for our family and to help our kids be kind and compassionate friends and siblings. We are their most important teachers and often the ones they rebel against the most when it comes to limit setting, especially once they hit age three . So what to do?
In addition to the hand-outs that have lots of good reminders and suggestions (and I am making these available in a special folder for everyone), some great suggestions and experiences were shared in class.
Reach out. When things are getting too stressful and the power struggle is going south, remember to "tag-team" with your partner and ask for help. If your partner is not available...take a time-out for yourself, as best you can. "Phone a friend": cash in your chips with friend or relative and ask them to talk you down...
Remember to breathe! We can even do this with our child by saying "I am feeling really stressed right now, how about we both take some deep breaths". Then do so even if your child does not seem interested...he is watching you.
Set up a "soft place" where your child can go to calm herself and do this at a time when she is calm and can participate in the creation of such a space. You can say "I would like to make a special place with you where you can go when you feel upset and want to feel better. This will be your own safe place and no one else can use it." Then see how you can help your child to create a place that has soft toys, blankets and things to snuggle with. Practice using the space by reading stories together there and encouraging a positive connection with their special place. It will then be a resource for them when they are upset rather than a place of exile. It is best if the space is close enough to you for them to know you are nearby so they do not feel abandoned or anxious. The goal is to coach them to learn how to self-soothe.
Counting to three: a fine art! The question that came up with the counting technique was "what do I do when I get to three?" Good question! When we state a consequence we need to be able to follow through or the lesson becomes "Mom/Dad do not really need to be taken seriously" or "there really are no limits". This may lead to kids feeling inappropriately powerful and insecure. Counting to three helps us think and calm our own mind. Again, a family discussion ahead of time to explain what will happen at "3" will set the expectation so that your child (and you) knows what this means. The consequence could be the loss of a privilege for an older child, time in the "safe place", or just a few minutes of time away from an activity until the child is calm.
Upgrade/upcycle. And perhaps most importantly, remember that discipline "techniques" often need to be tweaked and advanced as our children get older and their needs change. Ask other parents what they do and get ideas...there is a lot of experience in our Coop!
Friday, November 2, 2012
Storytelling
Whew! October was a very busy month. I am finally able to post again...
In our parent meetings for the 3/4 and 4/5 parents we talked about a way to help kids process difficult or distressing experiences using empathy and storytelling. This is also relevant for the T-3 families and I will have the hand-outs ready for us to discuss at our next T-3 parent ed meeting.
So what is the storytelling technique? It is a simple and useful way to help our kids make sense of their experiences. It is way of creating a cohesive narrative for an upsetting situation which helps our children feel comforted and resolve overwhelming emotions.
My guess is that many of you use this in some way already, so this may seem familiar to you. Every child responds differently to storytelling, so feel free to adapt this in whatever way is needed for your child's temperament.
When kids are upset by something that happens, they can move on more quickly when the experience makes sense and they feel understood and emotionally held by their loving parent/caretaker. Putting words to feelings and creating a story together after the upsetting event really helps wrap it up in a way that allows a child to move on and not stay stuck in the emotions.
How do we do this? It is best to create a story out of an upset after it happens with enough time lapsing so that the child is not in the immediacy of the experience. I have used puppets and stuffed animals to help tell the story about a "third party" who had the same experience as the child, especially if the child resists the storytelling about him or herself.
Then tell the story of the upset together:
"You were so sad today when Joey pushed you down"
"I cried a lot"
"Yes you cried"
"He hurt me!"
"Yes, your knee was hurting"
"I don't like him!"
"You were mad at Joey for pushing"
"Yes. He shouldn't push"
"Teacher talked to him and he said he was sorry"
"Yeah"
"He seemed very sorry didn't he?"
"Yeah"
"What happened next?"
"We played pirates"
"That's right! You played pirates, now I remember..."
"Yeah, he was a funny pirate and I had a parrot"
"You had fun after that"
"Yeah. Can Joey come over after preschool tomorrow?"
"Let's ask his Dad!"
Helping our children to put words to big feelings allows the right and left brain to communicate and put order to the experience. Small children are right brain dominant, meaning they do not have enough language to understand that the pain of the hurt knee will not last forever. They need an adult to help manage the intensity of the pain and fear. The child in this example may have returned to school the next day without telling the story with his Mom and acted out his upset with Joey, but now he has an integrated experience that helps him to move on.
This is a very simplified example, but I invite you to try this out and report back to our group at the next meeting. With practice this can be very helpful for both parents and kids.
In our parent meetings for the 3/4 and 4/5 parents we talked about a way to help kids process difficult or distressing experiences using empathy and storytelling. This is also relevant for the T-3 families and I will have the hand-outs ready for us to discuss at our next T-3 parent ed meeting.
So what is the storytelling technique? It is a simple and useful way to help our kids make sense of their experiences. It is way of creating a cohesive narrative for an upsetting situation which helps our children feel comforted and resolve overwhelming emotions.
My guess is that many of you use this in some way already, so this may seem familiar to you. Every child responds differently to storytelling, so feel free to adapt this in whatever way is needed for your child's temperament.
When kids are upset by something that happens, they can move on more quickly when the experience makes sense and they feel understood and emotionally held by their loving parent/caretaker. Putting words to feelings and creating a story together after the upsetting event really helps wrap it up in a way that allows a child to move on and not stay stuck in the emotions.
How do we do this? It is best to create a story out of an upset after it happens with enough time lapsing so that the child is not in the immediacy of the experience. I have used puppets and stuffed animals to help tell the story about a "third party" who had the same experience as the child, especially if the child resists the storytelling about him or herself.
Then tell the story of the upset together:
"You were so sad today when Joey pushed you down"
"I cried a lot"
"Yes you cried"
"He hurt me!"
"Yes, your knee was hurting"
"I don't like him!"
"You were mad at Joey for pushing"
"Yes. He shouldn't push"
"Teacher talked to him and he said he was sorry"
"Yeah"
"He seemed very sorry didn't he?"
"Yeah"
"What happened next?"
"We played pirates"
"That's right! You played pirates, now I remember..."
"Yeah, he was a funny pirate and I had a parrot"
"You had fun after that"
"Yeah. Can Joey come over after preschool tomorrow?"
"Let's ask his Dad!"
Helping our children to put words to big feelings allows the right and left brain to communicate and put order to the experience. Small children are right brain dominant, meaning they do not have enough language to understand that the pain of the hurt knee will not last forever. They need an adult to help manage the intensity of the pain and fear. The child in this example may have returned to school the next day without telling the story with his Mom and acted out his upset with Joey, but now he has an integrated experience that helps him to move on.
This is a very simplified example, but I invite you to try this out and report back to our group at the next meeting. With practice this can be very helpful for both parents and kids.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Mindfulness
There is a lot of talk about mindfulness in the community of parent education and psychology. What is mindfulness and how can it help us as parents and as families?
Rather than assume we all know what this term means, I would like to describe what I think it is and ask if others have experience with mindfulness practices.
I think mindfulness is a way of focusing on our awareness in such a way that we are able to tune into our thoughts and feelings and make choices as to our response to the world from a calm and peaceful place. Psychology Today defines mindfulness as, “a state of active, open attention on the present.”
Psychologists have been able to study how the brain works in more depth over the past 10
years and have discovered a western explanation of mindfulness that is impacting parenting education and anxiety management profoundly. Recent evolutions in the practice of mindfulness have shown results such as reducing adverse symptoms of trauma and shortening treatment time in psychotherapy.
I just love when ancient wisdom meets western medical "discoveries".
I just love when ancient wisdom meets western medical "discoveries".
I first became aware of this concept some 20 years ago from Thict Nhat Han, a Buddhist monk from Viet Nam who is now well known and respected around the world. His books are quite popular in the west and many who are not practicing Buddhists are well acquainted with his mindfulness teachings.
Dan Siegel, M.D. has written and studied the effects of mindfulness practices on our well-being.
I have included a link to a great article he has written.
I recommend it if you can possibly find the time!
http://lifespanlearn.info/articles/Siegel-Mindfulness.pdf
Meanwhile...whenever you can, focus on simply being in the moment. Relax by taking a soft, deep breath and even close your eyes. With active vibrant young children in our lives this can be hard to do. But even young children can learn to take a deep breath with us. A child's time-less way of being in the world can often teach us to slow down and savor the beauty of the present moment.
The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers. – Thich Nhat Hanh
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Homework Can be Fun!
At our parent meeting last month we talked about some Reflective Parenting principles including the Thinking/Feeling/Doing exercise where we looked at how to step back from intense interactions with our children and reflect rather than react. The homework we had was to simply watch our child at play in a one-on-one situation for 15-30 minutes and observe their behavior without taking the lead, but joining in at our child's direction. I am wondering how that is going for those of you who had a chance to do it?
What did you discover about your child and yourself? Anything interesting?
Some parents have told me that this simple exercise has changed the way they see their child and created a more relaxed interaction when they were able to step out of the the leader/teacher role and let their little one " take charge". It can be a delightful experience on both ends. Our children often do not get to lead their play time with us as we are usually trying to teach or influence in some way in order to support them and help them grow. But they also have minds of their own and it can be fascinating to discover what is going on when we step back a foot or two and let them be our "teacher".
What did you discover about your child and yourself? Anything interesting?
Some parents have told me that this simple exercise has changed the way they see their child and created a more relaxed interaction when they were able to step out of the the leader/teacher role and let their little one " take charge". It can be a delightful experience on both ends. Our children often do not get to lead their play time with us as we are usually trying to teach or influence in some way in order to support them and help them grow. But they also have minds of their own and it can be fascinating to discover what is going on when we step back a foot or two and let them be our "teacher".
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