As parents we are naturally acutely aware of our own vulnerability and that of our beloved children. At the same time the journey of being a parent requires us to be fierce protectors of our child's safety. Living with the reality of a dangerous world and our own vulnerability is at times unbearable for us as parents and we must somehow manage to protect ourselves from our worst imaginings.
The heartbreaking tragedy in Newtown Connecticut last Friday has, in a very real sense, permanently changed us as a nation, and ruptured that veil of protection. We cannot help but feel the pain of those parents and imagine, even if only very briefly, the enormity of their loss. This is a kind of secondary trauma for all parents, especially those whose children are especially vulnerable, whether because of their tender young age, or because of mental or physical illness.
The question I have come to is: how can we get through this in a way that strengthens each of us, our communities and our families?
This is the kind of question I will continue to ask myself over the coming months.
For now, I believe it is so very important to allow ourselves as parents to feel our emotions and be very kind to ourselves and each other. If your child is exposed to the information about the tragedy, it is important to listen to what they know and reassure them that you and all the other adults in their life are going to do everything possible to keep them safe. Answer questions honestly, but with as little information as required and appropriate to what you know your child can understand or handle emotionally. Young children with minimal language are still able to understand a lot and they definitely are tuned in to when you are upset. It is important to be careful of how we talk about the event in front of them, even when on the phone.
I strongly recommend that parents, especially those of young children, protect themselves from too much media and information about the tragedy. Reach out to friends and family to talk about your feelings and just be together a bit more often than usual. We need to feel close to other caring humans when experiencing loss, and this is a loss of our sense of safety and understanding of our world. Realize that you may feel more on edge, anger more easily or feel impatient at times with your child. This is part of any grieving experience, but we may not realize consciously that this is happening because the loss is not immediately present in our lives, it happened far away.
Continue to be kind to yourself and it will soften your interactions with others.
Our children are such a vital source of joy and healing for us and for the world.
This is a time we can all be deeply grateful for the presence of the children in our lives.
