Why are small children so delightful, joy-filled, exciting, wonderful, loving, inspiring, exasperating, button-pushing, ego-challenging, mystifying and anxiety-provoking?
Three short words: feelings, feelings, feelings.
Parenting is so much about feelings: our own, our children's, and others (society, teachers, grandparents, parenting "experts") who may support or "judge" us.
One of the most difficult issues for new parents is the steep learning curve of becoming a parent to the individual child we have and, at the same time, learning the job of parenting and what it requires of us. On the job training at its most intense in my opinion. And just as we start feeling confident and like we are getting it right, welcome the next developmental stage!
The point about feelings is this is the way small children communicate with us most directly, often most clearly and how we often react to their intense expression of emotion, whether we are aware of it or not. Hopefully, we are able to respond compassionately and calmly most of the time.
Empathy is an important aspect of parenting effectively and communicating skillfully with our children. When we empathize, we are wondering about how our child is understanding something that is upsetting to him. We are using our feelings to understand those of our child. We are not imposing our logic as to why something should not be upsetting. While it may be true that a worm is not going to hurt our 2 year old, his fear is still real and consuming to him. Our empathy and calming words build a cognitive framework for our little one to respond to and interact with the world. We empathize through acknowledging feelings while teaching with our words at the same time. This is what John Gottman has termed emotional intelligence.
As adults we are able to use our brains and highly developed cognitive abilities to help our children process their intense feeling reactions and begin to use the intellectual part of their brain to process events. In fact, the cerebral cortex in children is not separated from the primitive emotion processing brain stem. This means that children become flooded with feelings and literally cannot think when they are upset. This is also true of adults, but at least we have the brain capacity to hold both emotions and thoughts, but small children do not! It is amazing that early childhood is not just one long meltdown :)
Our brains are being used by our children all of the time to create their understanding of a complex world. By putting words to our child's experience, she quite literally depends on your brain to help her make sense of the world and to grow.
One of my most important goals as a parent educator is not only to help parents develop a context for how to parent their own children, but to have a place to express, vent, sort through and hopefully laugh about the joys and terrors of parenting as a way to create a cohesive experience of self and family.
In our time together at preschool, it is focusing on our children that is important for parents, but also connecting with other parents and kids, watching and learning from how they interact with each other. Not comparing in a negative way (because every child is so different), but learning about who we are and who our child is through community interaction.
I guess it is like using the community "brain" as an extension of self that contributes to how parents (and parent educators:) continue to learn and to grow.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Thinking About Separation, Sequencing and Sleep
Our last class focused on separation issues for children and parents. We discussed separation anxiety and how it shows up in different developmental stages and temperaments. As always, our time was lively and well spent.
From the perspective of human attachment, separation from a parent can be a very stressful experience for a child, even if they are not showing it on the outside. Children depend on us for survival, quite literally, and they may become worried if their parent/caregiver is not available.
Helping a small child to cope with separation anxiety involves reassurance and help regulating emotions when fear of abandonment arises. There are many ways to help children manage these very big feelings and having some ideas in your toolbox can help prevent, or at least soften, meltdowns related to separation.
Empowerment through giving choices and verbal cues about when changes are going to happen create predictability for young ones and decrease anxiety.
Even children who are not yet talking can benefit from a parent or caregiver rehearsing the order of events for the day. "First we will eat breakfast, then we will get dressed and go to school to see our friends". Sequencing is how children mark time since they are unable to understand time in the same way an older child. Routines can be so helpful, both in the morning and at bedtime. Children feel more in control and less anxious when they know what will happen next. They also feel more empowered when we give them appropriate choices as part of the routine: "do you want the red socks or the green ones today". Small choices more often make the times when there is no choice more bearable for both child and parent.
Some things we cannot control and may contribute to a parent seeing an uptick in anxious behaviors and separation anxiety: a death in the family, moving, divorce, new school or preschool, changing babysitters, parents traveling for work and any changes in routine, even positive ones, may increase a child's separation anxiety.
Something we addressed in class was how bedtime is also a time of separation and children may feel anxious about going to bed. Often we see this behavior as manipulation or rebellion, but leaving us for the world of sleep and dreams can be scary for some children. Routines at bedtime are an important part of teaching children how to separate, self-soothe and prepare for this transition. Some kids who are brave and independent during the day may fall apart at night when they finally let their guard down and worries and deeper feelings surface that they may have suppressed.
Validating our child's feelings with words and imparting confidence in a loving way that our child can feel safe going to sleep is needed, and needed often, as they learn how to do this for themselves.
If you have thoughts or ideas, please comment and add them to our blog!
From the perspective of human attachment, separation from a parent can be a very stressful experience for a child, even if they are not showing it on the outside. Children depend on us for survival, quite literally, and they may become worried if their parent/caregiver is not available.
Helping a small child to cope with separation anxiety involves reassurance and help regulating emotions when fear of abandonment arises. There are many ways to help children manage these very big feelings and having some ideas in your toolbox can help prevent, or at least soften, meltdowns related to separation.
Empowerment through giving choices and verbal cues about when changes are going to happen create predictability for young ones and decrease anxiety.
Even children who are not yet talking can benefit from a parent or caregiver rehearsing the order of events for the day. "First we will eat breakfast, then we will get dressed and go to school to see our friends". Sequencing is how children mark time since they are unable to understand time in the same way an older child. Routines can be so helpful, both in the morning and at bedtime. Children feel more in control and less anxious when they know what will happen next. They also feel more empowered when we give them appropriate choices as part of the routine: "do you want the red socks or the green ones today". Small choices more often make the times when there is no choice more bearable for both child and parent.
Some things we cannot control and may contribute to a parent seeing an uptick in anxious behaviors and separation anxiety: a death in the family, moving, divorce, new school or preschool, changing babysitters, parents traveling for work and any changes in routine, even positive ones, may increase a child's separation anxiety.
Something we addressed in class was how bedtime is also a time of separation and children may feel anxious about going to bed. Often we see this behavior as manipulation or rebellion, but leaving us for the world of sleep and dreams can be scary for some children. Routines at bedtime are an important part of teaching children how to separate, self-soothe and prepare for this transition. Some kids who are brave and independent during the day may fall apart at night when they finally let their guard down and worries and deeper feelings surface that they may have suppressed.
Validating our child's feelings with words and imparting confidence in a loving way that our child can feel safe going to sleep is needed, and needed often, as they learn how to do this for themselves.
If you have thoughts or ideas, please comment and add them to our blog!
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