Who doesn't dread the morning rush? With school starting and schedules changing, getting out the door on time can be the most stressful time of day for parents. Even when we follow all of the helpful suggestions about preparing lunch the night before and making sure the backpack has a change of clothes and diapers, we can never anticipate the many unexpected challenges that may arise in the 1/2 hour before we leave the house: a favorite toy is lost, the precious green socks she wore yesterday are wet and in the wash, a little finger gets an owie... We start to stress and lose access to our thinking brain and start reacting, sometimes with irritation and anger.
When my daughter was in preschool I admit to many mornings of frustration and impatience as we struggled to get socks on (inside out because the inside seam scratched and irritated her little foot), as I repeatedly glanced at the clock, sweating it because I hated being the "late parent" to school.
It seems silly now, but it really felt awful some days, and I just could not understand how one morning was easy and the next difficult. My learning curve as a mother was straight up. And I did not like being at the bottom of the curve. I wanted to be one of those experienced calm mothers who waltzed into school on time with organic blueberry muffins for everyone and an adorable and smiling cutely dressed 3 year old. Ha!
How I wish Reflective Parenting workshops were around 10 years ago... I would have learned how to calm myself, take a breath and step back. What was my little girl's view of this morning madness?What was she thinking, feeling and doing in our moments of struggle? What was going on in my head as I darted around the house keeping us "on track". How could I take in her 3 year old view of the morning preparations as I ushered us out the door and understand the impact of my stress on her responses? I would have used my thinking brain to consider my responses, rather than reacting out of stress. Maybe I would have even asked for help!
This parent-child relationship thing is really pretty complex on some levels. You see, there are two very distinct minds at work in this dynamic. And depending on where our child is developmentally, both can be equally as determined and goal oriented. As parents with many tasks and responsibilities on our minds, we often do not see the inner world of our child as separate from us. We are supposed to be " in control and in charge". Our children must be taught to "mind" us and become socialized. But taking time to discover the inner life of our child takes patience and a particular kind of awareness.
Patience with our child and ourselves, taking time to reflect on what is behind our child's behavior, empowers us as parents and helps us to communicate more effectively. What can we expect of a 2 year old? Is our child's temperament impacting morning rush hour? Do we have a slow-starter while we are an anxious over-achiever? When we are able to think calmly we are less reactive and able to make choices as to how to respond or intervene with difficult behaviors. And it builds the bonds of trust and the feeling of being understood, which often calms difficult interactions and lets our child use the thinking part of his brain, rather than being flooded with emotion.
So what does this have to do with getting out the door on time in the morning rush? Well, everything and nothing! It is really about us parents keeping calm and tracking our own stress. How important is it to "be on time" (yes, sometimes it really is!)? Are we bending to some inner critic or a desperate need to control something in our sometimes out of control schedule and child? Are we comparing ourselves to that "perfect" parent we hold ourselves up to as a model of how we ought to be? Are we being kind to ourselves?
And who is this child, the one we were given, who may be off the charts in their activity level or still not talking when older siblings were speaking in paragraphs? What is happening inside that little head? We may be very surprised when we step back and watch more objectively and lessen the pressure on ourselves to control every interaction with our child.
And when we react in the moment in ways we are not proud of, which we are going to do, how do we re-connect with our child in a way that brings us closer? We can repair our mis-steps and teach that no one is perfect, we all get upset some times and it is okay...we can listen, reassure and hold our child as they tell us how we may have scared her or hurt his feelings. In my experience, my daughter was over the blow up much sooner than I was...especially when I took time to talk with her about it.
Nurturing our relationship is the most important parenting "technique" we have in our toolbox as it is through our connectedness and understanding of our child that our bond is strengthened and trust is built. This is a parenting tool that lasts throughout all childhood developmental stages and into adulthood.
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