Sibling Relationships

One of the great discussions that came up for us during parent ed night was the issue of sibling relationships, especially conflicts, competing needs and dare I say it? Rivalry!  

So I will out myself and let you know that my husband and I are parents of an only child, who we like to call the "third parent" since somehow she got the idea very early that she has equal say in our family.  Of course, we know that isn't possible, but it is true that her being is entirely equal in value and importance...it is just that we "real" parents get to make the decisions and that doesn't feel fair to her somehow...  

While I have not been in the thick of sibling dynamics as a parent myself, I have lived in community with other parents I can say I have intervened plenty and learned a lot about solving and managing kid conflicts.

One of the most important things I have learned is to recognize what gets stirred up in me when the kids I care about are fighting.  My own need to intervene for the sake of peace and harmony is often elicited, even if what the kids need to do is work out a solution themselves.  If we intervene too quickly, we rob them of the experience of negotiating a compromise.  

Adults can help kids by coaching them to think of different solutions when they are stuck in a conflict.  But first, what adults can do to really help, is to name the conflict for what it is : " you two are really struggling over there, you both want to use the remote, but there is only one", and then get them to think instead of react, "hmm...let's see what you can think of to solve this ".

Objective observation with little emotion on your part can do a lot to calm a situation.  Naming the struggle and some of the feelings ("you both seem really frustrated right now") helps engage and validate the emotions involved ( the "downstairs brain" as Dan Seigle says).  Focusing on the solutions helps engage the "upstairs" brain and gets kids to thinking as opposed to reacting.

The trick here is to remember to do this same thing ourselves as parents!  When we think of ourselves as teachers and coaches, it slows down the reaction on our part.  We may have to intervene quickly and separate the siblings involved to prevent physical confrontations.  But we can stay focused on goals to teach and model how to use our mind in tough situations.

A very helpful article from Kids Health goes into more detail:

http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/sibling_rivalry.html

Let me know what you think.

A Funny thing Happened on the Way to Parent Ed Class...

Last night I had two vivid dreams about our first parent ed classes going awry.  In one dream there were many people there vying for the parent's attention and some were even trying to sell you parents all kinds of extra stuff!  There were too many disruptions to even get through introductions and some parents had to leave before they could be introduced. Sigh!  It was a mess. 
I realized once I woke up that I was having a school anxiety dream.  Remember those?  As I thought more about it I further  realized how this dream is such a great representation of what it feels like to be a parent.   Constant disruptions, you think things are going one way and then they go another, and in the middle of it all it seems like someone is always trying to sell you a better way to do things: easier, quicker, better...
Welcome to our first class where there will be no selling ;)  The methods may or may not be "quicker" or "easier", but my sincere hope is that they will help you to parent at your best, which will be different from how other parents interact with their children because each Parent-child relationship and family is different.
And we will be problem solving together, using our brains and our caring to support one another.
So bring as much of your brain as you have left at the end of the day, and your openness to learn in a non-judgemental atmosphere, your stories and your concerns.  See you soon!

Now for something completely practical...

What can we expect of our toddlers and preschoolers as they march forward on the developmental trail of childhood?  They change so fast in some ways and in other ways we wonder, will he ever get there (read: potty trained and words we can understand).  Yes!  Most children do go to college completely potty trained, but no guarantees about language we can understand :)

Joking aside, if a child has a serious delay, this can truly be a challenge and a stress for families and it is important to catch delays as early as possible.  Knowing where your child is on the developmental map and getting reassurance if  you are worried is necessary to being able to parent at your best.

So what should we expect for our little ones in terms of developmental milestones?
My opinion is that there is a wide range of "normal" in terms of reaching milestones.

I'd like to recommend a very helpful book called "Is This a Phase?" by Helen F. Neville.  It is a wonderful guide to child development from birth to 6 years.  She covers just about everything and has great charts, graphs and descriptions of phases for both children and parents.  I have a copy I will bring to our first class  along with other parenting books I am fond of.  I would like to hear about books others find helpful, too.

We will have time to look at developmental issues more deeply in our classes. 

Here are some interesting highlights from Neville's book:

T-3's:
"Toddlers who are 18 months to 2 years live in the present moment...Words and phrases such as soon, later, this afternoon, tomorrow have no meaning.  If it isn't now it is never.  No wonder toddlers are so impatient and demand everything now".

" Starting around 21 months toddlers begin to figure out that one particular thing follows another..'after Daddy fills my cup, then I can drink' ...They pay close attention to sequence.
Sequence becomes their clock. That's why they get so upset when we do things out of order.
We'd get just as upset if someone kept resetting our clocks"

"Sometime after 2 toddlers will understand in a few minutes...much more easily if they can look at an egg timer or listen to a familiar song...not until 2 1/2 can a child think ahead and want to hurry to the park to ride on the swing...and not until near 3 can toddlers divide the day into before lunch and after lunch or know that tomorrow is sooner than ten years from now".

3-4's:
"Whining is more common at three than at any other year...parents may demonstrate a whiny tone to help children understand and then say 'tell me in your strong voice, I can hear you better that way' ".

"Many three year olds are not in control of their rapidly developing bodies.  They may stumble or fall more often...they may avoid activities that look easy to us, feeling less sure of themselves than earlier...they may keep to themselves more.  "Don't look at me!" "Don't talk to me!" "Do you love me?"...with reassurance these moments of upset usually pass quickly".

4-5's:
"Your not the boss of me! 4 1/2 years..." "Fours are happy, noisy, bouncy. they have a 'blooming' self confidence and like to show off and brag: I can run faster than anyone...I have more than you"
"They push harder to get their own way, tests limits to learn how the rules work and who is in charge.
They behave worst with the parent they trust, because they believe we love them regardless.  They need our patience, not pressure, and rules that are both kindly stated and backed up with consequences".

5's
"Fives are quieter, more secure and dependable...they wait more easily for their turn because they understand time and have more impulse control. They believe in the tooth fairy and other magical beings. Fives notice the world around them..and that they are a part of it..with their wider awareness of the world they now understand that bad things can happen.  At 5 1/2 they may need reassurance that they will be cared for..."

Bring your concerns and questions to class!  T-3's meet on Tuesday 9/18 from 7-9.  And 3-4's and 4-5's meet on Wednesday 9/19 from 7-9PM.

Mastering the Morning Rush! Warning: Not a Quick Fix Blog Entry :)

Who doesn't dread the morning rush?  With school starting and schedules changing, getting out the door on time can be the most stressful time of day for parents.  Even when we follow all of the helpful suggestions about preparing lunch the night before and making sure the backpack has a change of clothes and diapers, we can never anticipate the many unexpected challenges that may arise in the 1/2 hour before we leave the house: a favorite toy is lost, the precious green socks she wore yesterday are wet and in the wash, a little finger gets an owie...   We start to stress and lose access to our thinking brain and start reacting, sometimes with irritation and anger. 

When my daughter was in preschool I admit to many mornings of frustration and impatience  as we struggled to get socks on (inside out because the inside seam scratched and irritated her little foot), as I repeatedly glanced at the clock, sweating it because I hated being the "late parent" to school.

It seems silly now, but it really felt awful some days, and I just could not understand how one morning was easy and the next difficult.  My learning curve as a mother was straight up.  And I did not like being at the bottom of the curve.  I wanted to be one of those experienced calm mothers who waltzed into school on time with organic blueberry muffins for everyone and an adorable and smiling cutely dressed 3 year old.  Ha!

How I wish Reflective Parenting workshops were around 10 years ago...  I would have learned how to calm myself, take a breath and step back.  What was my little girl's view of this morning madness?What was she thinking, feeling and doing in our moments of struggle?  What was going on in my head as I darted around the house keeping us "on track".  How could I take in her 3 year old view of the morning preparations as I ushered us out the door and understand the impact of my stress on her responses?  I would have used my thinking brain to consider my responses, rather than reacting out of stress.  Maybe I would have even asked for help!

This parent-child relationship thing is really pretty complex on some levels.  You see, there are two very distinct minds at work in this dynamic.  And depending on where our child is developmentally, both can be equally as determined and goal oriented.  As parents with many tasks and responsibilities on our minds, we often do not see the inner world of our child as separate from us.  We are supposed to be " in control and in charge".  Our children must be taught to "mind" us and become socialized. But taking time to discover the inner life of our child takes patience and a particular kind of awareness.

Patience with our child and ourselves, taking time to reflect on what is behind our child's behavior, empowers us as parents and helps us to communicate more effectively. What can we expect of a 2 year old?  Is our child's temperament impacting morning rush hour?  Do we have a slow-starter while we are an anxious over-achiever?  When we are able to think calmly we are less reactive and able to make choices as to how to respond or intervene with difficult behaviors.  And it builds the bonds of trust and the feeling of being understood, which often calms difficult interactions and lets our child use the thinking part of his brain, rather than being flooded with emotion. 

So what does this have to do with getting out the door on time in the morning rush?  Well, everything and nothing!   It is really about us parents keeping calm and tracking our own stress.  How important is it to "be on time" (yes, sometimes it really is!)?   Are we bending to some inner critic or a desperate need to control something in our sometimes out of control schedule and child? Are we comparing ourselves to that "perfect" parent we hold ourselves up to as a model of how we ought to be?  Are we being kind to ourselves? 

And who is this child, the one we were given, who may be off the charts in their activity level or still not talking when older siblings were speaking in paragraphs?  What is happening inside that little head?  We may be very surprised when we step back and watch more objectively and lessen the pressure on ourselves to control every interaction with our child. 

And when we react in the moment in ways we are not proud of, which we are going to do, how do we re-connect with our child in a way that brings us closer?  We can repair our mis-steps and teach that no one is perfect, we all get upset some times and it is okay...we can listen, reassure and hold our child as they tell us how we may have scared her or hurt his feelings.  In my experience, my daughter was over the blow up much sooner than I was...especially when I took time to talk with her about it.

Nurturing  our relationship is the most important parenting "technique" we have in our toolbox as it is through our connectedness and understanding of our child that our bond is strengthened and trust is built.    This is a parenting tool that lasts throughout all childhood developmental stages and into adulthood.