Our discussion topic last week was on discipline and as I expected it was very rich and we could have used a lot more time to explore all that it brings up for us as parents.
Discipline is often challenging because we love our kids and want them to behave in ways that are "socially acceptable", not only as a cultural expectation, but as a way to impart the values we each hold for our family and to help our kids be kind and compassionate friends and siblings. We are their most important teachers and often the ones they rebel against the most when it comes to limit setting, especially once they hit age three . So what to do?
In addition to the hand-outs that have lots of good reminders and suggestions (and I am making these available in a special folder for everyone), some great suggestions and experiences were shared in class.
Reach out. When things are getting too stressful and the power struggle is going south, remember to "tag-team" with your partner and ask for help. If your partner is not available...take a time-out for yourself, as best you can. "Phone a friend": cash in your chips with friend or relative and ask them to talk you down...
Remember to breathe! We can even do this with our child by saying "I am feeling really stressed right now, how about we both take some deep breaths". Then do so even if your child does not seem interested...he is watching you.
Set up a "soft place" where your child can go to calm herself and do this at a time when she is calm and can participate in the creation of such a space. You can say "I would like to make a special place with you where you can go when you feel upset and want to feel better. This will be your own safe place and no one else can use it." Then see how you can help your child to create a place that has soft toys, blankets and things to snuggle with. Practice using the space by reading stories together there and encouraging a positive connection with their special place. It will then be a resource for them when they are upset rather than a place of exile. It is best if the space is close enough to you for them to know you are nearby so they do not feel abandoned or anxious. The goal is to coach them to learn how to self-soothe.
Counting to three: a fine art! The question that came up with the counting technique was "what do I do when I get to three?" Good question! When we state a consequence we need to be able to follow through or the lesson becomes "Mom/Dad do not really need to be taken seriously" or "there really are no limits". This may lead to kids feeling inappropriately powerful and insecure. Counting to three helps us think and calm our own mind. Again, a family discussion ahead of time to explain what will happen at "3" will set the expectation so that your child (and you) knows what this means. The consequence could be the loss of a privilege for an older child, time in the "safe place", or just a few minutes of time away from an activity until the child is calm.
Upgrade/upcycle. And perhaps most importantly, remember that discipline "techniques" often need to be tweaked and advanced as our children get older and their needs change. Ask other parents what they do and get ideas...there is a lot of experience in our Coop!
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