Our last class focused on separation issues for children and parents. We discussed separation anxiety and how it shows up in different developmental stages and temperaments. As always, our time was lively and well spent.
From the perspective of human attachment, separation from a parent can be a very stressful experience for a child, even if they are not showing it on the outside. Children depend on us for survival, quite literally, and they may become worried if their parent/caregiver is not available.
Helping a small child to cope with separation anxiety involves reassurance and help regulating emotions when fear of abandonment arises. There are many ways to help children manage these very big feelings and having some ideas in your toolbox can help prevent, or at least soften, meltdowns related to separation.
Empowerment through giving choices and verbal cues about when changes are going to happen create predictability for young ones and decrease anxiety.
Even children who are not yet talking can benefit from a parent or caregiver rehearsing the order of events for the day. "First we will eat breakfast, then we will get dressed and go to school to see our friends". Sequencing is how children mark time since they are unable to understand time in the same way an older child. Routines can be so helpful, both in the morning and at bedtime. Children feel more in control and less anxious when they know what will happen next. They also feel more empowered when we give them appropriate choices as part of the routine: "do you want the red socks or the green ones today". Small choices more often make the times when there is no choice more bearable for both child and parent.
Some things we cannot control and may contribute to a parent seeing an uptick in anxious behaviors and separation anxiety: a death in the family, moving, divorce, new school or preschool, changing babysitters, parents traveling for work and any changes in routine, even positive ones, may increase a child's separation anxiety.
Something we addressed in class was how bedtime is also a time of separation and children may feel anxious about going to bed. Often we see this behavior as manipulation or rebellion, but leaving us for the world of sleep and dreams can be scary for some children. Routines at bedtime are an important part of teaching children how to separate, self-soothe and prepare for this transition. Some kids who are brave and independent during the day may fall apart at night when they finally let their guard down and worries and deeper feelings surface that they may have suppressed.
Validating our child's feelings with words and imparting confidence in a loving way that our child can feel safe going to sleep is needed, and needed often, as they learn how to do this for themselves.
If you have thoughts or ideas, please comment and add them to our blog!
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